Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (Ephesians 5:21-33 NIV)
I’m a little nervous to preach this sermon today. It’s not the easiest thing to talk about marriage. For starters, it makes me nervous to talk about marriage because it can make people think that I’m an expert. Let’s start with this: I am not an expert on marriage. My wife would be very happy to tell you that. I’m not a perfect husband. I don’t have a perfect marriage. So whatever I say today, I’m not speaking for me. I’m speaking for God. He’s the expert. He created marriage!
There’s another reason I’m nervous: We all have very different experiences with marriage. For some of us, marriage has caused you a lot of pain. My hope for you is that you don’t let your bad experiences cloud God’s good plan for marriage. On the other hand, some of us aren’t married. So you’re thinking, “Do I have to listen?” Yes! Even if you’re not married, there’s a chance you might get married. On top of that, our world right now is teaching all of us lots of things about marriage that are totally wrong. So every Christian needs to hear what God’s Word says.
There’s one more problem: There are way too many things to talk about. How much time do you have today? We won’t get to talk about how God created male and female. God gives us our genders. That’s another sermon. We won’t get to talk about divorce, even though Jesus today said, “What God has joined together, let no one separate” (Mark 10:9). That’s another sermon too. All we have time for today is this: God’s plan for a husband and a wife in a marriage.
It starts like this: “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” Doesn’t it sound wrong to say that today? “Wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” Some of you are rolling your eyes inside. “That’s old-fashioned. Sexist!” If you’re not thinking those things, you know people who are. “Submit? That’s wrong! We’ve moved on!”
Please understand this: When God tells wives to “submit,” that only makes sense by faith in Jesus. Our lesson actually started by saying: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” That phrase is so important: “Out of reverence for Christ.” In the Bible, the word “submit” isn’t a bad word. Submitting doesn’t mean you’re inferior. Submitting means you voluntarily yield to someone else in love. Like we all submit to Jesus. Is it hard to submit to Jesus? I hope not! So this is what Jesus says to Christian wives. “I want you to place yourself under the husband I’ve put in your life. Not out of weakness. Not for his sake. Submit out of reverence for Christ.”
I know that’s hard. So, wives, you need to hear what God tells your husband: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her….” I might be biased, because I’m a husband, but I think that what God tells husbands is just as hard as what God tells wives. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church. How much does Jesus love us? To death! Husband, when God calls you the head of your wife, you can’t understand that without Jesus. Being the “head” doesn’t mean ruling over our wives. It means loving her like Jesus loves us. Cherish her. Die for her. Like Jesus for us. That’s what it means to be the “head.”
Actually, Jesus did so much more. “He gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.” Jesus didn’t just die for us. He cleansed us in baptism. He covered over all of our faults. He raised us up as his bride. He empowers us to live for him. Husbands: Do all that for your wife. Don’t put her down. Raise her up. Forgive her faults. Help her see how precious she is to Jesus. Empower her to use her talents to God’s glory. Love her not for what you can get out of her, but for what you can give to her.
Because she’s you. According to God, when two people get married, how many people are there? One! “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” That’s why the Bible says, “Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body.” Husbands, if you are the head, and your wife is the body, which is more important? What a silly question! Your wife is you. How could you not want to care for you?
So, wives, how does that sound? If your husband were to actually do what God calls him to do—forgive you, love you to death, lift you up—would it be hard to submit to him? I once taught a Bible study for eight weeks about the roles of men and women. After the eight weeks, I asked a few ladies what they thought. Know what they said? “Pastor, we get it. God’s plan is good! But here’s the problem: What do we do when our husbands aren’t leading us?” That opened my eyes. People today seem to be saying that we have too many men leading in our world. Don’t believe that for second. Men, God calls you to be the leader of your family and leaders in our church and leaders in the world. God didn’t create you to sit back and make women do everything. We need more Christian men selflessly leading like Jesus did. That would be a blessing to our world.
“This is a profound mystery,” Paul says, “but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” We couldn’t understand this without God revealing it to us. Jesus’ relationship with us is the blueprint for marriage. God doesn’t say, “Love your wife because she is so lovable.” No. “Out of reverence for Christ.” God doesn’t say, “Respect your husband because he is so dreamy.” No. “Out of reverence for Christ.” It’s Jesus who makes all the difference in the world.
When a husband thinks of his wife, he isn’t actually to think of his wife. He’s to think of Jesus. How Jesus loves him all the time no matter what. How Jesus forgives him every time he sins. How Jesus gave his life for him when he didn’t deserve it. Only then is he ready to think of his wife and say, “That’s how I want to love her. All the time. No matter what. Like Jesus.” Out of reverence for Christ. When a wife thinks of her husband, she isn’t actually to think of her husband. She’s to think of Jesus. How she respects Jesus and submits to Jesus. “That’s how I want to submit to my husband. Like I do to Jesus.” Out of reverence for Christ. Understand?
So why doesn’t that work? Because we don’t think about Jesus. Who knows how it starts, but we’ll blame the husband. The wife notices that he isn’t showing much love. So what does she do? She stops respecting him. She nags him. So what does he do? He shows even less love. So what does she do? You know! The downward spiral. I saw a bumper sticker that put it just right. It said, “Stop whining and plot revenge.” What’s missing? Jesus! “But pastor, if he doesn’t love me, God doesn’t actually expect me to respect him, does he?” “Pastor, if she doesn’t respect me, God doesn’t actually think I can love her, does he?” Yes. Of course he does! Because Jesus does.
Husbands, the world gives us a distorted view of leadership. From our bosses to athletes to politicians, we’re taught that leaders get to put themselves first. We’re taught that a real man doesn’t show emotion. So how many wives are just dying to see our love? Wives, your husband likes to make it seem like he’s tough, but harsh words from a wife hurt a man more than anything else. You, his wife, by God’s design have the ability to support him or destroy him. Disrespect at home clouds every other success in a man’s life. When we fight with each other, we’re fighting with ourself. When we hurt each other, we hurt ourself. God has a good plan. Our sin destroys it.
So we should just give up on marriage, right? No. Remember Jesus? “He loved the church”—you!—“and gave himself up for you to make you holy, cleansing you by the washing with water through the word…” When you’ve sinned in your marriage, there’s hope. Jesus has forgiven you. He has washed those sins away. If you’re struggling in your marriage, there is hope. Jesus and his Word have the power to change hearts and lives and marriages. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s good to seek Christian counseling. Find someone who will point you to the only One who makes marriage work: Jesus. “Out of reverence for Christ.” Jesus can make your marriage better.
Here are a few ways to start: First, God never tells husbands to make their wives submit. Submission is never forced. If it is, that husband is sinning. In the same way, God never tells wives to criticize their husbands into being more loving. What does he tell husbands to do? Love! What does he tell wives to do? Submit. Focus on what God’s called you to do. Wives, the best way to help your husband love you more is to respect him. Husbands, the best way to help your wife respect you more is to love her. Stop that downward spiral by saying, “You first.”
Second, notice that God doesn’t tell you to like your spouse. Does that sound strange? God doesn’t say, “Like your spouse.” He says, “Love your spouse,” and “Respect your spouse.” Liking someone is a feeling. Love or respect is a choice. See the difference? You can fall in and out of like with someone often. God doesn’t say you’re going to like your spouse every moment. But he does call on you to love and respect them all the time. Out of reverence for Christ.
Third, notice that God calls you to do what’s hard for you to do, because that’s what your spouse needs. I once read these verses to a Mexican lady. At the end, I said, “What do you think?” She said, “That makes perfect sense.” I said, “What? It makes sense?” “Yeah,” she said. “Men are good at respecting—like in the army. You men say, ‘Yes, sir.’ All the time. But we women don’t want to do that. So God calls us to respect. It’s hard for us, but it’s what men need. But you men don’t know anything about loving. You’re clueless. We women are good at loving. So God tells men to love. It’s hard for men, but it’s what women need. It makes perfect sense.” Agree? “Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” God is telling each of us to do what’s hard for us, because that’s exactly what our spouse needs.
Finally, I want you all to leave knowing that you have the perfect marriage. Whether you’re married or not, whether marriage has been a joy or a burden, whether your heart feels full or broken, you have the perfect marriage. Because you’re married to Jesus. There is someone who thinks you’re so special that he gave up everything to have you. Someone who is committed to you, in sickness and in health, as long as you live—and even afterward! Someone who loves you so unconditionally that he died for you. You’re identity doesn’t come from how your marriage is going. You’re identity comes from Jesus. That’s what matters. You have the perfect marriage! Jesus is the One who enables you to live out every other relationship out of reverence for Christ.
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