18 If someone has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother and will not listen to them when they discipline him, 19 his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town. 20 They shall say to the elders, “This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a glutton and a drunkard.” 21 Then all the men of his town are to stone him to death. You must purge the evil from among you. All Israel will hear of it and be afraid. (Deuteronomy 21:18-21 NIV)
This lesson about disciplining a rebellious son makes me think of a famous book: The Outsiders. I’ve told you about it before. Many of you have read it. It’s the best-selling young adult book of all time, and it’s based right here in Tulsa. “The Outsiders” tells the story of teenage gangs. Two gangs constantly fight with each other: the poor kids and the rich kids. The poor kids are mostly orphans. Their parents have either died or abandoned them. So they despise the rich kids who have parents and everything else. “It must be so easy to be one of those rich kids,” they say.
But the author lets us see into the heart of one of those rich kids: Bob. Bob’s life wasn’t easy, because his parents didn’t love him. Do you know how Bob knew his parents didn’t love him? They never told him, “No!” Never. They gave him everything he wanted. As Bob got into high school, he longed to have his parents care enough about him to tell him, “No!” Instead, they just gave him everything. They never said, “No!” He did bad things just to try to get their attention. He got drunk and stayed out all night, just hoping his parents would care enough to punish him, but they didn’t. His parents never told him, “No!” That’s how he knew they didn’t love him.
It’s amazing that The Outsiders was written by a teenager. She understood something that most teenagers don’t appreciate: If someone loves you, they will discipline you. That’s exactly what God says. “Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them” (Proverbs 13:24). And, “Discipline your children, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to their death” (Proverbs 19:18). And, “The Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son” (Hebrews 12:6). God disciplines those he loves, and he calls on Christian parents to love their children enough to say, “No!”
Do you think that’s needed today? Yes! As a parent, I feel this constant pressure that says, “You should let your children do whatever they want. You shouldn’t tell your kids what to do. Let them decide for themselves.” Right? No! Disrespect for parents leads to disrespect for teachers which leads to disrespect for bosses and police which leads to disrespect for God himself. God wants children to obey their parents. It’s even a commandment! “Honor your father and mother that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth” (Deuteronomy 5:16).
As proof of how important this is, we have this lesson from Deuteronomy. “If someone has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother and will not listen to them when they discipline him, his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town. They shall say to the elders, ‘This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a glutton and a drunkard.’ Then all the men of his town are to stone him to death. You must purge the evil from among you.” Wow. Let’s clear up one thing. When you picture this son, don’t think of a two-year-old boy. He was guilty of being a “glutton and a drunkard.” This rebellious son was a grown man. What was to happen to him? Death.
We constantly need this reminder. What does sin deserve? Death. “You must purge the evil from among you.” When there is evil, what does God want to happen? He wants his people to remove it. To deal with it. To get rid of it! How different that is than our society today! We’re told to take pride in sin. To parade it around. To flaunt it. God’s says, “No! How could you be so wicked? You must purge the evil from among you.” Like what? Like rebellious sons who don’t obey their parents. Don’t take pride in sin or evil. Punish him. “Purge the evil from among you!”
Remember that guy named Bob I was telling you about? The teenager whose parents never told him, “No”? I wonder what he would say if he read this. Our society says this is crazy: “The Bible is way too harsh. Way too cruel!” I wonder if Bob wouldn’t have a totally different opinion: “They must really care. They must really care about God and his Word. They must really care about all the people who watch this man and his sin. They must really care!” Do we?
We get caught up in the man being stoned to death, but I noticed three other little details as I studied this lesson. First, it says, “he will not listen to them when they discipline him…” What had his parents been faithfully doing? Discipling him. That’s hard, isn’t it? Discipling children is hard work. As a parent, it’s easy to fall into one of two extremes. One extreme is anger. Blowing up. Shouting. Is that godly discipline? No. I think we realize that. So often we fall into the other extreme: Passivity. Letting the kids do what they want. That’s easy, but is that godly discipline? No! What is? Firmly and patiently correcting over and over again. These parents had done that.
In fact, they had done that together. The second detail I noticed is how Moses mentions both the father and the mother. The Bible’s goal is for parents to be working together in everything. Of course, that doesn’t mean there’s no hope for single parents. But for married couples, God’s goal is for you to work together as one as you raise your children. Sometimes one spouse struggles with anger and one struggles with passivity. Neither is good! God wants parents to work together to raise their children, including being in agreement when severe punishment is needed.
Together, the father and the mother were to take hold of their rebellious son and bring him to the elders. This is the third little detail I noticed. God doesn’t want vigilante justice. The father and mother weren’t to carry out the severe punishment themselves. They were to turn their son over to the elders, like pressing charges in court today. Can you imagine pressing charges against your child? It might be the best thing for them. When your own son commits sin, don’t hide it. Don’t excuse it. Seek justice. Allow them to receive the discipline they deserve. “Whoever loves their children is careful to discipline them.” This is heavy stuff, isn’t it? But I think we need to hear it.
Because it shows us what all of us children deserve. We were careful to mention last week that the laws of Deuteronomy were meant only for God’s chosen people in the Old Testament. He’s not telling anyone to stone anyone today. But we can still learn a powerful lesson: If we had been kids in ancient Israel, what would we have deserved? Death. For all the eye rolls. For completely ignoring mom or dad. For stubbornness. For rebellion—open rebellion and secret rebellions. For all the complaints and the grumbles and the whines. Because, ultimately, who is every one of those sins really against? God. What do we deserve for stubbornness and rebellion? Death.
As a father, it gets worse. Every time we’ve been too lazy to discipline our kids… Too tired… Too busy… That’s a sin. It’s a sin against our kids and against God. We see the results of it. Children on wrong paths, sometimes falling into the same sins that we never corrected in our lives and passed on to them. It’s a lot easier saying “Yes” right now to make them happy than to say “No” because we’re focused on their eternal good. We’re guilty. As children. As fathers.
But if you’re feeling guilty for your sins, I want you to see something more. This story helps us appreciate one of Jesus’ most famous parables: The Parable of the Prodigal Son. Remember the details? A father’s youngest son rebels against him and asks for his inheritance and goes off and squanders the money in sinful living and falls on hard times and finally decides to go back to his father… As Jesus told that story, what do you think his listeners were thinking about? I bet I know: Deuteronomy 21. The rebellious son. You want to know what a stubborn, rebellious, gluttonous, drunken son looks like? Just read Jesus’ Parable of the Prodigal Son. There he is!
So, what did that son deserve? Death. Maybe that’s why he was so nervous as he headed back home. When his father saw him walking up the street, that rebellious son deserved to be dragged to the elders of his city and be stoned to death for his sin. “You must purge the evil from among you.” I wonder if Jesus’ listeners had this lesson on their minds as they heard Jesus’ parable.
If they did, they were in for a big surprise. Because that father didn’t give his son what he deserved. What did he do? He hugged him. He kissed him. He called him his son. He welcomed him home. Whom was Jesus teaching us about? God our Father. Jesus was teaching us about God our Father’s grace. God our Father does not treat us as our sins deserve. Instead, when we were baptized, he washed our sins away. He put his Spirit in our hearts. He made us his children. I hope hearing about this rebellious son helps you appreciate God the Father’s grace to you.
“See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!” (1 John 3:1). It’s not that God overlooked our sin or ignored our sin or excused our sin. No, far from it. He paid for our sin. God himself came into our world and died the death that we deserve. The Father paid the debt his children owed. Isn’t that how it often works with fathers? So that we could be forgiven and free and saved. The sins of your childhood are forgiven. Even the ones you are still ashamed about. The sins of your parenting are forgiven. Even the ones that seem to have unending consequences. Every sin was taken away at the cross.
Now here’s God’s message to you: Children, it’s not too late to honor your parents. When you do, you honor the Lord. Parents, it’s not too late to discipline your children. When you do, you show your love. Can you see how God has set up our world? Fathers matter. Parents matter. You’re not powerless. You are empowered by God himself. “Discipline your children, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to their death” (Proverbs 19:18). Care enough about your little kids to say, “No!”, and then to repeat it again a thousand more times. Care enough about your adult children to speak up about what’s right and wrong. Discipline is where your love for your child and your love for your Lord meet. Care enough to point them to God again and again.
Because you and I are not the father who matters most. God is. Trust in God the Father’s grace—for you and for all. Rebellious children need to be disciplined, because when they repent, who is waiting? Our gracious God. He wants to run out and hug them and kiss them and welcome them home. There’s hope, because when the rebellious son meets the gracious Father, grace wins. There are a lot of Bobs out there. Children of all ages—from age 2 to age 82—wanting to know that someone cares about them. Care so much about the people in your life that you tell them when they’re wrong. So that you can point them to their Father’s love. So you can point them home. When the rebellious son meets the gracious Father, grace wins.
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